do you really love me?

so on friday at my school we celabrated v-day. i was not excited because i hate the “holiday” GO! single awarness day! ya! well i found out the day before that i was getting a val-o-gram which is were someone who likes you or is your friend can send you a song to be sung by the chior. i got the song angle and they came in a sang it to me and it was really nice i loved it! but i don’t know who sent it to me because the name was blank. so i asked around to find who it was and it turns out that my friend amega sent it. or so i thought? thats what everyone said because they saw her buy in for me, so it has to be her. Right? wrong. i talked to amega about it and she said she did buy for me but not with her money and someone told her to buy it for me, she said it was a really shy guy that liked me, but was to scared to tell me. Are the guys at my school crazy? so far the guys that like me has come to 4 guys. sam this shy guy the guy in my art class and the guy in my P.E. class. a year ago i bet you anything that none of these guys would even look at me much less like me! before i stared this year as a freshman in high school i was in middle school and i always had my hair up i was self conscious about my body because i was “developing” i was awkward, shy and did not show off my body at all. then i started high school and i told my self that i would never dress the same act the same or be self conscious about my body ever again!!

i cut my hair, went to trendy stores to buy clothes like forever 21, plato’s closet, love culture. became more outgoing and friendly. i did a complete 360 into the person i am today.

the thing that really bugs me is that i don’t think that i would have as many friends or guys that like me today if i didn’t do that. unfortunately this has taught me that beauty really is skin deep because 100% of the guys that do like me have liked me before they even had a conversation with me. all of my friends say i should be happy that 4 guys like me much less 1 but im not because if i didn’t change they wouldn’t have even given me the time of day!

only love can break your heart

so "sam" is all over me again. ugh! now what?

me and sam have become really good friends and i feel like i am leading him on which i hope he doesn't think that. he hasn't asked me out yet thank god but he keeps asking me what i am doing this weekend or tonight and i have to make stuff up because i don't want to have him ask me "out" so now he thinks i am a really really busy person. last week i made a poem and its a poem about a girl who is breaking up with her boyfriend because he almost destroyed her dream and she wouldn't let that happen he is a guy that doesn't diserve her and he has a temper and a drinking problem but he is trying to become a better person for her and her loves her to no end they fight all the time but always see past it for each other but this time he made a big mistake and she can't forgive him(you can see the poem at the end of my blog).

anyways off topic! i let my friend read it and she liked it and sam was sitting right their but i didn't want him to read it but he asked me and i said no because it was private and i didn't feel comfortable letting him read it. so we have a break in class and i go to check out this one thing at my school and he and my friend come and he is really close to me trying to get the poem out of my hand and everytime he fails and he is begging to read it.

so i let him read it to get him off my back and when i come back he is asking me all of these questions like: what is the poem about? Is this your home life? blah blah blah. so he took it wrong which i kinda knew he would but insteed of being smart and saying "hay this is fiction and it is basiclly a little story" i say "i don't want to talk about it" whoa! where did that come from? so he keeps pressing me about it and it gets awkward and later he says he is sorry for being rude and asking me all of these questions.

wow! what am i doing? am i leading him on?

heres the poem.

The bottled up words were tossed into the sky.

Forgiveness was not an option right now.

she remembered how fucked up her bottem lip was.

How everything she had ever wanted could have been taken away in a split second.

And it was all his fault.

"You have to go" she repeated, this time in the saddest tone imaginable.

She hoped he would hurry up and leave before she changed her mind.

He was hers and she didn't want to cut him loose even after the mistakes he'd made.

He thought she was making this harder than it needed to be.

That they would just talk about it and move on, like they always did.

But it was diffrent.

He almost ruined the one thing that made he unique.

The one thing that was always their for her.

His temper went off.

He moved closer to her, pulled her hair by the roots and raised his fist to her face.

He'd never resorted to physical violence with her before, but there was a first for everything.

Plus it's not like she hadn't expected this type of behavor from him.

She didn't really care if he hit her.

She wasn't afraid.

It would hurt of course, but everything hurt lately.

My friend said that when i was gone and he finished reading my poem he told her "i am never going to get over her."

that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me i just wish i felt the same way about him

yes no. or leave me behind?

so there is this guy we will call him sam. so i come back from winter break and i learn from three people that sam likes me but sam dated my friend lets call her summer and sam broke up with summer after about three weeks? well he broke up with her for no reason and before they went out he asked "out" another one of my friends lets call her Kat and she said no and they left on bad terms. then i hear that sam might ask me out and right now i am very confused about what i should do. so i talk to a lot of people about it and everyone says i shouldn't date him except for two people and i asked a lot of people! so i think about the pro's and con's of dating him i have never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone or had sex or ever been asked "out" so i am very new to this. i decide that i can not date someone i hardly know so thats what i tell people. and he finds out so he starts talking to me more and more. he sits next to me every day in math class always is looking at me in p.e. like a shark and i am really turned off by this.
so i don't want to date him. if he ask's me then i am going to say no.

i tell my close friends only that i would say no if he did ask me and i tell them not to say anything to him about this because i need to tell him. i know this is high school but that does not mean that i need to act like a high schooler right?

so he is still all over me for the next couple of days and then it all stops i notice he is looking at me less and i know right away that someone told him but who i only told my friends right. wrong!

turns out one of them told and now he doesn't sit next to me at all in math sometimes he doesn't even come to math class anymore whats the deal? is this a mind game or something?
because i can't deal with it!
i have to know what happened to make him act this way.
because honestly i am starting to like him and thats not a good thing. i need to stop right now! what do i do?

High school? love or hate?

so i have not blogged in a long time like three months? i think longer than that.

well i know no one really reads this, and sometimes i am putting my stuff out there for a black hole to just suck everything up unnoticed, but i need to get my thoughts out some where because somethings i can't tell anyone.

so i have started high school! one word, WOW! it is great and horable at the same time.

i really love the freedom they give you, but that gives me more room to slack of which is not so good! but i have met a lot of great people!

my sister goes to the same school i go to, which some people may think is horable but i love it because we get along great and she has great friends like Keira and Jenna and Jose ( i think i spelled that wrong!) and they are great!

i know almost everyone and have made a close bond with them. i really feel confortable at this school like i can be myself and you don't always get that in high school.

My best friend Amega goes to school with me too! she went to middle school with me and she is great! i can tell her anything and she won't judge me. i love it and i love her so much!!:) hi Amega!

all of the teachers are really nice and they are always on the students side it is wonderful and i am passing all of my classes!
i also Lettered in varsity vollyball as a freashman!!! on just skill alone! i remember being so sad that i didn't make it on the varsity vollyball team that i cried!! But the coach saw my skills and put me in a varsity game! i played on both JV and varsity and got two awards i loved it so much!

on the down side though i have one person who hates me. i don't know why eather, she is Amega's friend so i tried to be friends with her but i couldn't stand the girl but i kept it to myself of course. and still tried to be friends with her, i don't really know why at this point because she would talk about me behind my back and say rude things to me to my face a was really rude to my friends. but for some reason i was still tring to play nice. until about a month ago i blew up in her face and told her what i really thought about her and well it turned into world war 1! which was the last thing i wanted to happen, but i couldn't stop in from happening i already knew that. i learned who my true friends were which was good that i found out now because i had a bad feeling about them anyway so i was right. but more sad that i lost them in a way. but the truth is, is that i don't like drama and i will do a lot to avoid it, if you disrespect me that is ok if you talk about me behind my back i can get over it but if you try to hurt my friends i will punch your lights out so fast that will not even be able to say sorry or that you were having a "bad day"!

if you are having a bad day don't take it out on other people! it only hurts you in the end.

and after all of that one of my friends moved because her parents are selfish and only care about their self. it wat the tenth time she moved that year!!!

on a lighter note all is well with my family(kinda). my parents are fighting about petti problems and are taking their anger out on each other which makes a unstable house hold. but other than that they are getting along better than normal.(kinda). anyways! i can't wait for christmas! i love seeing my family and seeing there faces when they open up their presents. i can't wait to see my grandma and have dinner with them and make sure they are all doing all right!

have a great christmas! or whatever you have? sorry. um and enjoy yourself!