FML

so many things have happened this past week!

ok lets start off with my sister. everyone at our school hates her well not everyone, but most, and i don’t even know why? she is a good person to other people that arn’t me. but long story short this guy matt (fuck you matt!!) well last year he tried to get in my sisters pants while he was with his girlfriend, then he cheated on his girlfriend with the girls best friend and she forgave him! anyways so they broke up and they are still friends (god knows why?) and he got mad at my sister because she woudn’t have sex with him and started talking shit about her! nobody knows why he started talking shit about her except for me and my sister because she is too nice to tell anyone! im not. and now his ex-girlfriend the one he cheated on is talking shit about my sister she doesn’t know why mat hates my sister ether. this would be so much easier if she just told people what happened between her and matt but like i said she is way to nice to do that. so everyone gives me shit for being her sister and matt used me to get back at my sister.

the next thing is the school me and my sister go to is becoming a focus school it will focus on art in two years i think. but we won’t have any in comming freshman which is really bad for the sports at my school because we don’t have a lot of students playing sports right now so if they don’t have incomming freshman then we are screwed and i will have to swich schools just to play sports! I will have to start all over again!

the next thing is my best friend from 6th grade that is going to high school with me well she is leaving next year to be home schooled becuase of this focus school thing and my other best friend is leaving because she is a senior. i am a freshman just to let you know.

the next thing is my parents keep fighting all the time. i never see my mom anymore because she is working all the time and she told me that the only reason she is staying with my dad is because of me. WOW thats not a lot of presure at all!

i had a mental break down friday at school i started crying and all that stuff. i have never cried in front of any of my friends, this was the first time i cried in a year thats how huge this was.

this shit is going to have to stop sometime right? i hope so!

old habbits die fast right? no.

i think you know what happened.

Now let’s move on.

i know i don’t update a lot but i want to enjoy the things when they are with me. i want to feel the things around me. i want to be happy with the moment. i want to get caught in the moment and never not once regret it! and mean everything i say all the time! i don’t want to be scared and hurt by anyone. i don’t want to be shy. i don’t want to have expectations that are not met. i don’t want to hurt myself or others ever again.

Be careful what you wish for right? yes.

so uninspired, it hurts.

i honesty don’t know what i am doing or how i am feeling right not but i have kept my promise. enough said about that for now.

my sister. i think she forgets that i have feelings and i am tired of dealing with it. i just look at her and bite my tounge, when really i want to punch her in the face! Every day i deal with “Your so rude” or “i hate you”or “your a horrible person” it is getting to a point where it is eating me up. i am staring to resent her. i go to school with my sister she is a senoir and everyone expects something from me because i am her sister whether it be an A+ student or a bitch and i get judged because of her. and its not fair. everyone thinks she is an angle and i am satan when it is the opposite i feel like i have to fight for my own identity and she still doesn’t get it. i try to talk to her about it and all i get is a “your a horrible person at least im nice.” she just doesn’t understand. i am just tired of everything. i want to go to sleep and dream forever i don’t think she ever will!

on a more happy note!

i went to school today and… i am so in LOVE with you! i can’t stop thinking/wanting/needing you. i just want to be with you every second of every day! i have never felt this way about anyone in my life! i can’t stop smiling when im around you! i must look like an idiot!! i want to shout my love for you from the roof tops i want everyone to know! but… i can’t tell anyone.

i want to run away for a year then come back a changed and inspired person.

im sorry

I was thinking yesterday about how i treat people and how it needs to change. i examened my life, and this is what i got.

I lie.

I cheat.

I use people.

I put people down to make myself feel better.

I use manipulation as a second language. I actually like using it to get what i want. I used it on sam because he got mad at me so i manipulated him and he asked me out again just for me to say no again.

I have friends that i hate. i just keep them around because i am scared to end up alone in high school like i did in middle school.

i talk shit about everyone.

i talk about people behind their back.

i stab people in the back to get farther in life. and they still don’t know

i have a friend erika i only became her friend so that i could steal her away from a friend that i hate right now i used to hate erika, now we are best friends or so she thinks.

It makes me happy when i think of all the people i manipulate and it works.

now that that is all out of the way. now that i have cut myself open completly i can be honest with you and myself and change for the better. what happened to me i didn't used to be this way?

i am ugly.

on the inside

i think i love you

I think i love you.

im not sure what i am feeling but i really like you a lot. i think about you all the time. i love being with you. i wish i could spend every second with you. i want to be with you, help you, love you, care for you. i can see us together, and for once i like what i see. You make me better. You make me real.

And im scared… what if you don’t feel the same way? What if i tell someone and they laugh or won’t accept me anymore?

How do you know?

My heart hurts

i want to cry and scream and throw up. Because of you. i hate you! your nothing! you don’t diserve anything! i wish you would rot in a hole and die! my eyes are so hot from all of the crying i just did. why would you do this. to me? to everyone? Im scared, confused and wondering who you are? where did the boy who loved poptarts, a good book, his dog, his friends go? and that was enough. who are you?