.....No

Sam asked me out today. i don’t like sam in a boyfriend way. i imagined us together and i was about to vomit. hes a really sweet guy its just i only want to be his friend.

i was talking to him about my art work and he was trying to guess which was my art and our teacher said “come on back to class” so we stoped talking and went to walk back and this is what happened.

as we were walking back:

Sam: Will you go out with me

Me:long pause………….No.

Sam:that was blunt

Me: i don’t want to ruin our friendship

Sam:will you at least think about it?

Me:long pause again………Sure.

wow this is weird!

HELP!!!

The question that has crossed my mind everyday from when i first started middle school to now as a freshman in high school is “who am i”??? this question has bothered me so much and i am still confused as to who i am. But some days when i think i have the question answered, i see something or hear something and it changes and i get confused again. this has to stop some day right? Because it is torturing me not to know or thinking that i know and having it changed last second.

It is torturing me to stay in one place! i want to travel the world and see everything i could ever see, hear everything i could ever hear! but i have to stay here and finish high school and go to college and the pressure is driving me mad! i want to do everything i could do in my life and i feel like the people i love are holding me back in away that i can’t esacpe from. Which very much makes me mad, sad and frustrated! all at the same time.

i want to find out who i am and i think going every where seeing everything would help me once and for all decide who i am. I see all of these wonderful people doing great things and i want to goin them i just don’t know how? i want to do something amazing for everyone change the world do something i am good at and enjoy doing i just don’t know what! i need help someone! Anyone!

Before i die

>div> one thing i want to see before i die is the northern lights in alaska. i could die happy then<3>

Spring will save us

This week has been kinda upseting. Yesterday i was in one of my “alone states”. which is where i may be a part of the “group” but i am not apart of the ”group” which means i am not mentally their and i feel llike things would go better with out me. Has anyone felt like that? were they can be talking to someone but they can tell the other person doesn’t want to talk to them. i was wonder why? is something wrong with me? is it me or them? i don’t know maybe i was seeing things that wern’t their?

On an brighter note things today were lovely! i was looking outside and the sun was shining and the flowers were blooming it was beautiful. The day went a lot more smooth today and i have a good feeling that the days ahead will be great and filled with me and the people around me being happy. i hope so because my friends have been really shady lately

do you really love me?

so on friday at my school we celabrated v-day. i was not excited because i hate the “holiday” GO! single awarness day! ya! well i found out the day before that i was getting a val-o-gram which is were someone who likes you or is your friend can send you a song to be sung by the chior. i got the song angle and they came in a sang it to me and it was really nice i loved it! but i don’t know who sent it to me because the name was blank. so i asked around to find who it was and it turns out that my friend amega sent it. or so i thought? thats what everyone said because they saw her buy in for me, so it has to be her. Right? wrong. i talked to amega about it and she said she did buy for me but not with her money and someone told her to buy it for me, she said it was a really shy guy that liked me, but was to scared to tell me. Are the guys at my school crazy? so far the guys that like me has come to 4 guys. sam this shy guy the guy in my art class and the guy in my P.E. class. a year ago i bet you anything that none of these guys would even look at me much less like me! before i stared this year as a freshman in high school i was in middle school and i always had my hair up i was self conscious about my body because i was “developing” i was awkward, shy and did not show off my body at all. then i started high school and i told my self that i would never dress the same act the same or be self conscious about my body ever again!!

i cut my hair, went to trendy stores to buy clothes like forever 21, plato’s closet, love culture. became more outgoing and friendly. i did a complete 360 into the person i am today.

the thing that really bugs me is that i don’t think that i would have as many friends or guys that like me today if i didn’t do that. unfortunately this has taught me that beauty really is skin deep because 100% of the guys that do like me have liked me before they even had a conversation with me. all of my friends say i should be happy that 4 guys like me much less 1 but im not because if i didn’t change they wouldn’t have even given me the time of day!

only love can break your heart

so "sam" is all over me again. ugh! now what?

me and sam have become really good friends and i feel like i am leading him on which i hope he doesn't think that. he hasn't asked me out yet thank god but he keeps asking me what i am doing this weekend or tonight and i have to make stuff up because i don't want to have him ask me "out" so now he thinks i am a really really busy person. last week i made a poem and its a poem about a girl who is breaking up with her boyfriend because he almost destroyed her dream and she wouldn't let that happen he is a guy that doesn't diserve her and he has a temper and a drinking problem but he is trying to become a better person for her and her loves her to no end they fight all the time but always see past it for each other but this time he made a big mistake and she can't forgive him(you can see the poem at the end of my blog).

anyways off topic! i let my friend read it and she liked it and sam was sitting right their but i didn't want him to read it but he asked me and i said no because it was private and i didn't feel comfortable letting him read it. so we have a break in class and i go to check out this one thing at my school and he and my friend come and he is really close to me trying to get the poem out of my hand and everytime he fails and he is begging to read it.

so i let him read it to get him off my back and when i come back he is asking me all of these questions like: what is the poem about? Is this your home life? blah blah blah. so he took it wrong which i kinda knew he would but insteed of being smart and saying "hay this is fiction and it is basiclly a little story" i say "i don't want to talk about it" whoa! where did that come from? so he keeps pressing me about it and it gets awkward and later he says he is sorry for being rude and asking me all of these questions.

wow! what am i doing? am i leading him on?

heres the poem.

The bottled up words were tossed into the sky.

Forgiveness was not an option right now.

she remembered how fucked up her bottem lip was.

How everything she had ever wanted could have been taken away in a split second.

And it was all his fault.

"You have to go" she repeated, this time in the saddest tone imaginable.

She hoped he would hurry up and leave before she changed her mind.

He was hers and she didn't want to cut him loose even after the mistakes he'd made.

He thought she was making this harder than it needed to be.

That they would just talk about it and move on, like they always did.

But it was diffrent.

He almost ruined the one thing that made he unique.

The one thing that was always their for her.

His temper went off.

He moved closer to her, pulled her hair by the roots and raised his fist to her face.

He'd never resorted to physical violence with her before, but there was a first for everything.

Plus it's not like she hadn't expected this type of behavor from him.

She didn't really care if he hit her.

She wasn't afraid.

It would hurt of course, but everything hurt lately.

My friend said that when i was gone and he finished reading my poem he told her "i am never going to get over her."

that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me i just wish i felt the same way about him