old habbits die fast right? no.

i think you know what happened.

Now let’s move on.

i know i don’t update a lot but i want to enjoy the things when they are with me. i want to feel the things around me. i want to be happy with the moment. i want to get caught in the moment and never not once regret it! and mean everything i say all the time! i don’t want to be scared and hurt by anyone. i don’t want to be shy. i don’t want to have expectations that are not met. i don’t want to hurt myself or others ever again.

Be careful what you wish for right? yes.

so uninspired, it hurts.

i honesty don’t know what i am doing or how i am feeling right not but i have kept my promise. enough said about that for now.

my sister. i think she forgets that i have feelings and i am tired of dealing with it. i just look at her and bite my tounge, when really i want to punch her in the face! Every day i deal with “Your so rude” or “i hate you”or “your a horrible person” it is getting to a point where it is eating me up. i am staring to resent her. i go to school with my sister she is a senoir and everyone expects something from me because i am her sister whether it be an A+ student or a bitch and i get judged because of her. and its not fair. everyone thinks she is an angle and i am satan when it is the opposite i feel like i have to fight for my own identity and she still doesn’t get it. i try to talk to her about it and all i get is a “your a horrible person at least im nice.” she just doesn’t understand. i am just tired of everything. i want to go to sleep and dream forever i don’t think she ever will!

on a more happy note!

i went to school today and… i am so in LOVE with you! i can’t stop thinking/wanting/needing you. i just want to be with you every second of every day! i have never felt this way about anyone in my life! i can’t stop smiling when im around you! i must look like an idiot!! i want to shout my love for you from the roof tops i want everyone to know! but… i can’t tell anyone.

i want to run away for a year then come back a changed and inspired person.

im sorry

I was thinking yesterday about how i treat people and how it needs to change. i examened my life, and this is what i got.

I lie.

I cheat.

I use people.

I put people down to make myself feel better.

I use manipulation as a second language. I actually like using it to get what i want. I used it on sam because he got mad at me so i manipulated him and he asked me out again just for me to say no again.

I have friends that i hate. i just keep them around because i am scared to end up alone in high school like i did in middle school.

i talk shit about everyone.

i talk about people behind their back.

i stab people in the back to get farther in life. and they still don’t know

i have a friend erika i only became her friend so that i could steal her away from a friend that i hate right now i used to hate erika, now we are best friends or so she thinks.

It makes me happy when i think of all the people i manipulate and it works.

now that that is all out of the way. now that i have cut myself open completly i can be honest with you and myself and change for the better. what happened to me i didn't used to be this way?

i am ugly.

on the inside

i think i love you

I think i love you.

im not sure what i am feeling but i really like you a lot. i think about you all the time. i love being with you. i wish i could spend every second with you. i want to be with you, help you, love you, care for you. i can see us together, and for once i like what i see. You make me better. You make me real.

And im scared… what if you don’t feel the same way? What if i tell someone and they laugh or won’t accept me anymore?

How do you know?

My heart hurts

i want to cry and scream and throw up. Because of you. i hate you! your nothing! you don’t diserve anything! i wish you would rot in a hole and die! my eyes are so hot from all of the crying i just did. why would you do this. to me? to everyone? Im scared, confused and wondering who you are? where did the boy who loved poptarts, a good book, his dog, his friends go? and that was enough. who are you?

Myself at last! :)

“being with someone is one of those things that when it is wrong it feels really confusing and there are a million questions + excuses + games + you lose sleep + over anaylize it with your friends + try to act cooler than you are + check your phone every 5 minutes + other annoying stuff. when it is right it feels really easy.”

…That is why i had to say no to Sam. it was confusing and felt wrong. i wanted to say yes because he treated me right, but that doesn’t mean you can’t just be friends and enjoy each others company. I am just not ready to be in a relationship. I am young! i don’t want to be tied down! i have never had a boyfriend before, but i don’t want/need one. i have been asked “out” before but at the time it wasn’t right and i wasn’t intrested. i got it in my head that i would die alone if i didn’t have one, that i needed a boyfriend when i didn’t and that was stupid.

Now i feel free!

I can be myself again!

Now i don’t feel like i missed out on something that wasn’t there in the first place.

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