FML

so many things have happened this past week!

ok lets start off with my sister. everyone at our school hates her well not everyone, but most, and i don’t even know why? she is a good person to other people that arn’t me. but long story short this guy matt (fuck you matt!!) well last year he tried to get in my sisters pants while he was with his girlfriend, then he cheated on his girlfriend with the girls best friend and she forgave him! anyways so they broke up and they are still friends (god knows why?) and he got mad at my sister because she woudn’t have sex with him and started talking shit about her! nobody knows why he started talking shit about her except for me and my sister because she is too nice to tell anyone! im not. and now his ex-girlfriend the one he cheated on is talking shit about my sister she doesn’t know why mat hates my sister ether. this would be so much easier if she just told people what happened between her and matt but like i said she is way to nice to do that. so everyone gives me shit for being her sister and matt used me to get back at my sister.

the next thing is the school me and my sister go to is becoming a focus school it will focus on art in two years i think. but we won’t have any in comming freshman which is really bad for the sports at my school because we don’t have a lot of students playing sports right now so if they don’t have incomming freshman then we are screwed and i will have to swich schools just to play sports! I will have to start all over again!

the next thing is my best friend from 6th grade that is going to high school with me well she is leaving next year to be home schooled becuase of this focus school thing and my other best friend is leaving because she is a senior. i am a freshman just to let you know.

the next thing is my parents keep fighting all the time. i never see my mom anymore because she is working all the time and she told me that the only reason she is staying with my dad is because of me. WOW thats not a lot of presure at all!

i had a mental break down friday at school i started crying and all that stuff. i have never cried in front of any of my friends, this was the first time i cried in a year thats how huge this was.

this shit is going to have to stop sometime right? i hope so!

old habbits die fast right? no.

i think you know what happened.

Now let’s move on.

i know i don’t update a lot but i want to enjoy the things when they are with me. i want to feel the things around me. i want to be happy with the moment. i want to get caught in the moment and never not once regret it! and mean everything i say all the time! i don’t want to be scared and hurt by anyone. i don’t want to be shy. i don’t want to have expectations that are not met. i don’t want to hurt myself or others ever again.

Be careful what you wish for right? yes.

so uninspired, it hurts.

i honesty don’t know what i am doing or how i am feeling right not but i have kept my promise. enough said about that for now.

my sister. i think she forgets that i have feelings and i am tired of dealing with it. i just look at her and bite my tounge, when really i want to punch her in the face! Every day i deal with “Your so rude” or “i hate you”or “your a horrible person” it is getting to a point where it is eating me up. i am staring to resent her. i go to school with my sister she is a senoir and everyone expects something from me because i am her sister whether it be an A+ student or a bitch and i get judged because of her. and its not fair. everyone thinks she is an angle and i am satan when it is the opposite i feel like i have to fight for my own identity and she still doesn’t get it. i try to talk to her about it and all i get is a “your a horrible person at least im nice.” she just doesn’t understand. i am just tired of everything. i want to go to sleep and dream forever i don’t think she ever will!

on a more happy note!

i went to school today and… i am so in LOVE with you! i can’t stop thinking/wanting/needing you. i just want to be with you every second of every day! i have never felt this way about anyone in my life! i can’t stop smiling when im around you! i must look like an idiot!! i want to shout my love for you from the roof tops i want everyone to know! but… i can’t tell anyone.

i want to run away for a year then come back a changed and inspired person.

im sorry

I was thinking yesterday about how i treat people and how it needs to change. i examened my life, and this is what i got.

I lie.

I cheat.

I use people.

I put people down to make myself feel better.

I use manipulation as a second language. I actually like using it to get what i want. I used it on sam because he got mad at me so i manipulated him and he asked me out again just for me to say no again.

I have friends that i hate. i just keep them around because i am scared to end up alone in high school like i did in middle school.

i talk shit about everyone.

i talk about people behind their back.

i stab people in the back to get farther in life. and they still don’t know

i have a friend erika i only became her friend so that i could steal her away from a friend that i hate right now i used to hate erika, now we are best friends or so she thinks.

It makes me happy when i think of all the people i manipulate and it works.

now that that is all out of the way. now that i have cut myself open completly i can be honest with you and myself and change for the better. what happened to me i didn't used to be this way?

i am ugly.

on the inside

i think i love you

I think i love you.

im not sure what i am feeling but i really like you a lot. i think about you all the time. i love being with you. i wish i could spend every second with you. i want to be with you, help you, love you, care for you. i can see us together, and for once i like what i see. You make me better. You make me real.

And im scared… what if you don’t feel the same way? What if i tell someone and they laugh or won’t accept me anymore?

How do you know?

My heart hurts

i want to cry and scream and throw up. Because of you. i hate you! your nothing! you don’t diserve anything! i wish you would rot in a hole and die! my eyes are so hot from all of the crying i just did. why would you do this. to me? to everyone? Im scared, confused and wondering who you are? where did the boy who loved poptarts, a good book, his dog, his friends go? and that was enough. who are you?

Myself at last! :)

“being with someone is one of those things that when it is wrong it feels really confusing and there are a million questions + excuses + games + you lose sleep + over anaylize it with your friends + try to act cooler than you are + check your phone every 5 minutes + other annoying stuff. when it is right it feels really easy.”

…That is why i had to say no to Sam. it was confusing and felt wrong. i wanted to say yes because he treated me right, but that doesn’t mean you can’t just be friends and enjoy each others company. I am just not ready to be in a relationship. I am young! i don’t want to be tied down! i have never had a boyfriend before, but i don’t want/need one. i have been asked “out” before but at the time it wasn’t right and i wasn’t intrested. i got it in my head that i would die alone if i didn’t have one, that i needed a boyfriend when i didn’t and that was stupid.

Now i feel free!

I can be myself again!

Now i don’t feel like i missed out on something that wasn’t there in the first place.

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http://pleix.blogspot.com/2010/02/cl.html
check this out so cute!!

.....No

Sam asked me out today. i don’t like sam in a boyfriend way. i imagined us together and i was about to vomit. hes a really sweet guy its just i only want to be his friend.

i was talking to him about my art work and he was trying to guess which was my art and our teacher said “come on back to class” so we stoped talking and went to walk back and this is what happened.

as we were walking back:

Sam: Will you go out with me

Me:long pause………….No.

Sam:that was blunt

Me: i don’t want to ruin our friendship

Sam:will you at least think about it?

Me:long pause again………Sure.

wow this is weird!

HELP!!!

The question that has crossed my mind everyday from when i first started middle school to now as a freshman in high school is “who am i”??? this question has bothered me so much and i am still confused as to who i am. But some days when i think i have the question answered, i see something or hear something and it changes and i get confused again. this has to stop some day right? Because it is torturing me not to know or thinking that i know and having it changed last second.

It is torturing me to stay in one place! i want to travel the world and see everything i could ever see, hear everything i could ever hear! but i have to stay here and finish high school and go to college and the pressure is driving me mad! i want to do everything i could do in my life and i feel like the people i love are holding me back in away that i can’t esacpe from. Which very much makes me mad, sad and frustrated! all at the same time.

i want to find out who i am and i think going every where seeing everything would help me once and for all decide who i am. I see all of these wonderful people doing great things and i want to goin them i just don’t know how? i want to do something amazing for everyone change the world do something i am good at and enjoy doing i just don’t know what! i need help someone! Anyone!

Before i die

>div> one thing i want to see before i die is the northern lights in alaska. i could die happy then<3>

Spring will save us

This week has been kinda upseting. Yesterday i was in one of my “alone states”. which is where i may be a part of the “group” but i am not apart of the ”group” which means i am not mentally their and i feel llike things would go better with out me. Has anyone felt like that? were they can be talking to someone but they can tell the other person doesn’t want to talk to them. i was wonder why? is something wrong with me? is it me or them? i don’t know maybe i was seeing things that wern’t their?

On an brighter note things today were lovely! i was looking outside and the sun was shining and the flowers were blooming it was beautiful. The day went a lot more smooth today and i have a good feeling that the days ahead will be great and filled with me and the people around me being happy. i hope so because my friends have been really shady lately

do you really love me?

so on friday at my school we celabrated v-day. i was not excited because i hate the “holiday” GO! single awarness day! ya! well i found out the day before that i was getting a val-o-gram which is were someone who likes you or is your friend can send you a song to be sung by the chior. i got the song angle and they came in a sang it to me and it was really nice i loved it! but i don’t know who sent it to me because the name was blank. so i asked around to find who it was and it turns out that my friend amega sent it. or so i thought? thats what everyone said because they saw her buy in for me, so it has to be her. Right? wrong. i talked to amega about it and she said she did buy for me but not with her money and someone told her to buy it for me, she said it was a really shy guy that liked me, but was to scared to tell me. Are the guys at my school crazy? so far the guys that like me has come to 4 guys. sam this shy guy the guy in my art class and the guy in my P.E. class. a year ago i bet you anything that none of these guys would even look at me much less like me! before i stared this year as a freshman in high school i was in middle school and i always had my hair up i was self conscious about my body because i was “developing” i was awkward, shy and did not show off my body at all. then i started high school and i told my self that i would never dress the same act the same or be self conscious about my body ever again!!

i cut my hair, went to trendy stores to buy clothes like forever 21, plato’s closet, love culture. became more outgoing and friendly. i did a complete 360 into the person i am today.

the thing that really bugs me is that i don’t think that i would have as many friends or guys that like me today if i didn’t do that. unfortunately this has taught me that beauty really is skin deep because 100% of the guys that do like me have liked me before they even had a conversation with me. all of my friends say i should be happy that 4 guys like me much less 1 but im not because if i didn’t change they wouldn’t have even given me the time of day!

only love can break your heart

so "sam" is all over me again. ugh! now what?

me and sam have become really good friends and i feel like i am leading him on which i hope he doesn't think that. he hasn't asked me out yet thank god but he keeps asking me what i am doing this weekend or tonight and i have to make stuff up because i don't want to have him ask me "out" so now he thinks i am a really really busy person. last week i made a poem and its a poem about a girl who is breaking up with her boyfriend because he almost destroyed her dream and she wouldn't let that happen he is a guy that doesn't diserve her and he has a temper and a drinking problem but he is trying to become a better person for her and her loves her to no end they fight all the time but always see past it for each other but this time he made a big mistake and she can't forgive him(you can see the poem at the end of my blog).

anyways off topic! i let my friend read it and she liked it and sam was sitting right their but i didn't want him to read it but he asked me and i said no because it was private and i didn't feel comfortable letting him read it. so we have a break in class and i go to check out this one thing at my school and he and my friend come and he is really close to me trying to get the poem out of my hand and everytime he fails and he is begging to read it.

so i let him read it to get him off my back and when i come back he is asking me all of these questions like: what is the poem about? Is this your home life? blah blah blah. so he took it wrong which i kinda knew he would but insteed of being smart and saying "hay this is fiction and it is basiclly a little story" i say "i don't want to talk about it" whoa! where did that come from? so he keeps pressing me about it and it gets awkward and later he says he is sorry for being rude and asking me all of these questions.

wow! what am i doing? am i leading him on?

heres the poem.

The bottled up words were tossed into the sky.

Forgiveness was not an option right now.

she remembered how fucked up her bottem lip was.

How everything she had ever wanted could have been taken away in a split second.

And it was all his fault.

"You have to go" she repeated, this time in the saddest tone imaginable.

She hoped he would hurry up and leave before she changed her mind.

He was hers and she didn't want to cut him loose even after the mistakes he'd made.

He thought she was making this harder than it needed to be.

That they would just talk about it and move on, like they always did.

But it was diffrent.

He almost ruined the one thing that made he unique.

The one thing that was always their for her.

His temper went off.

He moved closer to her, pulled her hair by the roots and raised his fist to her face.

He'd never resorted to physical violence with her before, but there was a first for everything.

Plus it's not like she hadn't expected this type of behavor from him.

She didn't really care if he hit her.

She wasn't afraid.

It would hurt of course, but everything hurt lately.

My friend said that when i was gone and he finished reading my poem he told her "i am never going to get over her."

that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me i just wish i felt the same way about him

yes no. or leave me behind?

so there is this guy we will call him sam. so i come back from winter break and i learn from three people that sam likes me but sam dated my friend lets call her summer and sam broke up with summer after about three weeks? well he broke up with her for no reason and before they went out he asked "out" another one of my friends lets call her Kat and she said no and they left on bad terms. then i hear that sam might ask me out and right now i am very confused about what i should do. so i talk to a lot of people about it and everyone says i shouldn't date him except for two people and i asked a lot of people! so i think about the pro's and con's of dating him i have never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone or had sex or ever been asked "out" so i am very new to this. i decide that i can not date someone i hardly know so thats what i tell people. and he finds out so he starts talking to me more and more. he sits next to me every day in math class always is looking at me in p.e. like a shark and i am really turned off by this.
so i don't want to date him. if he ask's me then i am going to say no.

i tell my close friends only that i would say no if he did ask me and i tell them not to say anything to him about this because i need to tell him. i know this is high school but that does not mean that i need to act like a high schooler right?

so he is still all over me for the next couple of days and then it all stops i notice he is looking at me less and i know right away that someone told him but who i only told my friends right. wrong!

turns out one of them told and now he doesn't sit next to me at all in math sometimes he doesn't even come to math class anymore whats the deal? is this a mind game or something?
because i can't deal with it!
i have to know what happened to make him act this way.
because honestly i am starting to like him and thats not a good thing. i need to stop right now! what do i do?